Welcome to this week’s center for disease
control post where I subject myself to the harmful effects of popular “viral”
music. If I make it through alive I’ll let you know how horrible exposure to
this toxic material was and how to keep yourself healthy. So ready your hazmat
suits and don’t forget your gasmask, let’s step into the quarantine. *(Note:
this post is not sponsored, or even condoned for that matter, by your “CDC” or
any of today’s horrible artists, although that would be hilarious)
Case
#1: Beiber Fever (Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”)
First up is “Mistletoe” by the most embarrassing artist that Canada has
ever spawned, Justin Bieber.
As
I understand it this song is about how Justin should be out “enjoying” winter
in all its goodness, but instead he’ll be waiting for his “shorty” “under the
mistletoe”. Now I know that he’s been spending a lot of time hanging with big
hip hop stars like Drake and Chris brown, but damn you don’t get much whiter
than this and the gratuitous use of “shorty” just makes this song ten times
worse. The song has an obvious Christmas overtone, and a catchy radio friendly
chorus, etc, but this song and accompanying video are absolute shit. Raking in
half a million views on Youtube in the first twenty four hours, and thousands
more as I write this, “Mistletoe” will have infected the youth and musically
retarded of America, Canada, Mexico, and Argentina before you can say swine
flu. If you can please avoid this song, but if you do succumb I suggest
earplugs, and full facial protection, also you might want to wear a condom,
because the Beib’s has his rape face on.
Case
#2: Yellow Fever (Girl’s Generation “The Boys”)
In the first three days of exposure over 3 million viewers were infected
across Taiwan, South Korea, and Japan, “by what?” you may ask… “Girl’s” I would
answer.
Now
don’t get me wrong, I love me some Asian ladies, but pedophile isn’t on my
resume, and watching nine or so sequined preteens prance across the screen for
five minutes while rose petals and snowflakes fall is too much. First off this
video is in some foreign language that can’t even stay true to itself, and as
always the chorus is in butchered, base English (Strike one). Next it ruins its
epic intro by breaking down into an uncontrollable disaster of electro pop
nonsense (Strike two). Next, I mean
really, 5:20?? (Strike three). That’s almost twice as much as the last video
and after about two minutes I already feel as though I’ve been waiting out the
half-life of plutonium. I quit the scene after three or so minutes, and I would
encourage you to do the same. In
conclusion, high production value and pretty sets do not justify torturing yourself,
unless of course you like foreign pop music and the illegal sex trade, then
please feast your eyes, just get checked after…
Hope you enjoyed this little idea I had floating around my immune system, if this gets any significant traffic then hopefully this will become a Thursday or Saturday post. So if you enjoy my suffering head on over to our Facebook page and make me happy. Also you will have noticed the lack of download or social links, that's because none of these songs should be available to the public and also account for the racist, sexist, and contortionist overtones. Cheers.
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